Jesus in the Desert (Part 3)

Then the devil took him up to a very high mountain, and showed him all the kingdoms of the world in their magnificence, and he said to him, “All these I shall give to you, if you will prostrate yourself and worship me.”

At this, Jesus said to him, “Get away, Satan! It is written: 'The Lord, your God, shall you worship and him alone shall you serve.'”

Then the devil left him and, behold, angels came and ministered to him.

                                                                                            Matt 4:8 – 11

Since I was interested in the paranormal, I became drawn to a fellow dormer whose third eye was “open”. I was in her room one time when I felt a presence was with us. I was scared and I clung to her for protection. She seemed to drive it away somehow and I felt safe again. I did not realize I was committing idolatry—I was turning to a human person for protection against what I perceived was a paranormal threat. I did not turn to God.

Yet even now, says the Lord, return to me with your whole heart, with fasting, and weeping, and mourning; rend your hearts, not your garments, and return to the Lord, your God.                                                                                Joel 2:12 – 13

A life-changing book for me was Unmasking the New Age by Douglas R. Groothius. I realized that I was trying to gain paranormal knowledge, a metaphorical fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil, so I could be more like God—not in a loving way, but in a powerful way.

After reading the book and realizing my sins, I threw away my Silva Mind Control paraphernalia, including the certificate (which allowed you to get a free review of the seminar anytime anywhere). I encountered familiar parts of the seminar reincarnated in the form of PSI's Basic Leadership Seminar, and later into OCCI. Thankfully, this time, I knew where to stand.

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Still my understanding was sorely lacking. I still did not appreciate the mass. I had reached a point where I thought the prayer meeting could be a substitute for the mass. My new community after college was very creative and excellent in their worship—way more exciting than the mass.

Eventually, the group died out. I felt lost. Without a community, where do I go to find God?

I read a book called The Dark Side of Catholicism by Armando Ang and I was now questioning the Real Presence of Christ in the Eucharist. I was in a crisis of faith. But what helped me out was another book, Born Fundamentalist, Born Again Catholic by David B. Currie. It was the story of a person who converted to the Catholic faith. For me, it was unusual. I knew of friends who converted to fundamentalist Christian groups but not the other way around. 

My sister was now involved in a community in Alabang which had a lively appreciation for the Catholic faith. As she shared what she was learning, I was growing to love the faith I was born in. We read Rome Sweet Home by Scott Hahn, another convert to Catholicism. I was now seeking information on the Catholic faith. I was becoming a regular mass goer. I was watching EWTN.

While I was employed in a global outsourcing firm (let's call it company B), my prayer life strengthened. After the graveyard shift, I would catch the mass at Greenbelt Chapel as often as possible. I would sometimes offer up a fast from food before going to mass. For Lent, I offered up what to me was most important at the time... I was infatuated with a young chef who had opened a deli near our office. We were becoming friends but for Lent I had decided I would not visit or go near the shop for the duration of Lent. It might sound funny now but at the time it was a real sacrifice for me.

Friends from my new community, the Light of Jesus Family, invited me to go visit churches, which was the first time I ever experienced it.

My memories have blurred together as to the exact chronological sequence of events but it was during my work at Company B that I tried to do a Bisita Iglesia on my own, visiting seven churches on foot in the Makati area. This was the first time I venerated the cross, witnessed the foot washing, and participated in Church activities live instead of watching them on TV.

I learned to make little sacrifices hoping they were made with much love. After the sacrifice of the chef, the next year, I gave up one Facebook game for Lent, which I have not played since. I had a habit of repeating songs over and over on my i-pod if I liked a song. So as a sacrifice, I offered up NOT repeating any song I liked and letting the random play continue on. One Lent, I offered up my favorite dark chocolate. I regularly offered my work. I confessed frequently, at one time even going thrice in one week in trying to overcome a habitual sin, which by the grace of God is no longer habitual today.

About a week before I gave this sharing, it seemed my weakness for a certain sin was particularly persistent. But with a little sacrifice of food, the temptation grew less makulit.

From a wounded and hungry sinner who disliked the rosary, I converted to become a passionate Charismatic who dabbled in the new age, did not appreciate the mass, and almost stopped believing in the Eucharist. The conversion is ongoing so that today, I am a passionate Catholic who wants to go to mass often, wishes to be more consistent in praying the rosary, and is studying at the Divine Word School of Theology to deepen my understanding of the faith I have recently come to appreciate. The conversion continues. Thanks be to God.

I am confident of this, that the one who began a good work in you will continue to complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.                                       Phil 1:6

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Reflection questions:

Do I have any idols in my life which hinder me from giving my all to God?

What little sacrifices can I offer up this Lenten season?

I am saved, I am being saved, and I will be saved—because of your grace! You are my hope, Lord. Grant me the grace to work out my salvation in fear and trembling, to persevere until the end, to finish the race and win the crown of life.

Jesus in the Desert (Part 2)

“Then the devil took him to the holy city, and made him stand on the parapet of the temple, and said to him, “If you are the Son of God, throw yourself down. For it is written:

'He will command his angels concerning you' and 'with their hands they will support you, lest you dash your foot against a stone.'”

Jesus answered him, “Again it is written, 'You shall not put the Lord, your God, to the test.'”

Matt 4: 5 – 7

As I grew up, so did my self-loathing. I felt dirty, unworthy of love, and ashamed. I was not receiving communion. We went to the occasional mass... Christmas, New Year, Easter, mandatory religious activities at school. I went to confession only during school retreats and recollections.

During summer vacations, our mother would usually enroll us in a workshop.

The summer before I entered college, it was the Silva Mind Control seminar. It taught positive thinking. It seemed to fill my need for words of affirmation because we were supposed to say them to ourselves, i.e., “Every day, in every way, I am getting better, better and better.” If a negative thought entered your mind, you would just say “Cancel, cancel,” like a magic eraser.

We were taught to visualize the results we wanted to get. For example, if I wanted a high score in algebra, I would relax, count from 10 to 1, then imagine myself getting my examination paper with the score that I wanted.

We practiced visualizing a person in our mind to sense which part of their body hurt to send healing energy.

We practiced “mind reading” (i.e., the instructor would hold a mental picture of something in her mind, while we would try to draw/describe what we saw. I remember seeing a small circle within a big circle; it turned out she was imagining a car and I saw the wheels). We had spoon bending, heating one hand, cooling the other.

During the seminar, we constructed a mental laboratory where we could go to solve problems. We visualized guides, one male and one female, to consult in our mental laboratory.

This was also the time I was interested in auras, crystals, the third eye...

So you see, from the desert, I had wandered into a garden with good fruit to nourish the heart and mind.

 But let's take a deeper look. Does this remind you of something?

“But the serpent said to the woman: 'You certainly will not die! 

 No, God knows well that the moment you eat of it, your eyes will be opened...

 

and you will be like gods... 

who know what is good and what is bad.”

                                                                                            Gen 3: 4 – 5 

Ever wonder if those techniques really work, where is the power coming from???

Our Father

who art in heaven

holy be your name

your kingdom come

your will be done...  

Underneath the beautiful veneer of positive thinking and self-empowerment, there was a striving to be like God apart from God. Jesus, the Son of God, did not care to prove his power and his identity by throwing himself down from the temple parapet, but I, one of God's mere creatures, was trying desperately for power apart from my maker. This was my formal introduction into the New Age movement.

I wonder where I would be today if I had pursued that path... but God did not abandon me but instead led me ever so patiently (and leads me until today) onto the right path.

I was now a freshman in college. My parents found a dorm run by nuns for me to stay in. It was beside a parish whose patron saint was St. Therese of the Child Jesus. And I found myself drawn by the music of the choir. So despite my lack of musical talent, I auditioned. They did not reject anyone so I was in. By the grace of God and patient teachers, I eventually learned to sing.

But the most significant change was in the spiritual arena. The choir was not a glee club where people honed musical talent. It was a religious organization and we had activities related to formation. We had a “spiritual hour” after the Wednesday mass where we sang. And we had a Life in the Spirit Seminar or an LSS. This for me was a crucial turning point. I encountered God in a personal way. He was suddenly real. And he was not at all who I thought he was. During the baptism of the holy Spirit, I encountered him as a gentle embrace. I felt loved. It was a shock to the system. I heard about his love before but this was the first time I knew it was real.

So began my personal relationship with God.

We were given a Basic Bible Seminar. I got my first Bible with a nihil obstat and imprimatur. Before that, what I had was a King James Bible without the deuterocanonicals. I did not understand that there was such a thing as a Protestant canon and a Catholic canon. I thought all bibles were the same.

We also underwent a healing of memories. With the help of our adviser, I was able to forgive people who hurt me.

However, it was not an instant transformation. Yes, I stopped saying bad words with impunity. Where before I used to say curse words at every given moment, now I realized it was this tongue I used to worship God so the habit was broken. I no longer verbally insulted those I considered friends. The despair and self-loathing that used to weigh so heavily in my heart had eased.

But I still engaged in the visualization exercises taught by the Silva Mind Control. In fact, I combined them with adoration of the Blessed Sacrament. I did not realize that the battle for my soul was still going on. I thought God had won even though I was still not a regular Sunday mass goer, and did not receive communion except for the short time after confession when I was “sin-free”. I looked at my fellow choir members and wondered how they managed to receive communion regularly while I struggled with sin. (To be continued)

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Reflection questions:

What motivates me in seeking to be like God? Do I want to love like him? Or to be powerful like him?

Am I seeking instant transformation? Do I get frustrated and impatient with the habitual imperfections and weaknesses of my character?

Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am a sinner.

I receive your mercy with abject innocence. You are my redeemer. My sins might be terrible, but your mercy is infinitely bigger. Forgive me for my offenses... I choose to forgive those who have hurt me. I also forgive myself. Please take my mistakes and make the most good out of it as only you can.

Jesus in the Desert (Part 1)

I was privileged to give a Lenten sharing last February 3 and since the gospel talks about Jesus in the desert, I thought it might be appropriate to blog about it today, although the passages I used as a guide are from Matthew 4:1-11 instead of Mark 1: 12-15.

Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the desert to be tempted by the devil. He fasted for forty days and forty nights, and afterwards he was hungry. The tempter approached and said to him, “If you are the Son of God, command that these stones become loaves of bread.”

He said in reply, “It is written:

'One does not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes forth from the mouth of God.'”

Matt 4: 1 – 4

Jesus was hungry after his forty days in the desert. I experienced hunger too as a child:

• Moderate physical hunger not because of lack of food but lack of appetite. It may have been eco-friendly to serve the same dish again and again until it was gone or spoiled beyond eating but it was not really satisfying; eventually I would shovel a few spoonfuls just to keep the stomach's grumbling to a minimum.
• A hunger of the heart for friendship and freedom. We were not allowed out of the house except for school. I grew up watching other kids play on the street while we stayed inside. I felt like a prisoner.
• A hunger for words of affirmation. “Stupid” was a word I heard many times as the designated kitchen helper. Even today, if I can avoid being in the kitchen, I will avoid it. It's my discomfort zone.
• Hunger for the word of God. There was a time when my family would go to hear mass on Sundays but then it became irregular, infrequent, until such a time we did not go to mass at all. I was also forced to say the rosary every night by an elder who I perceived as verbally abusive and emotionally manipulative. Needless to say, that was not exactly a spiritually filling experience.

So Lent for a lay person like me who lived a very sheltered life meant the whole family stayed home watching religious shows all day on Friday, and no TV after 3 pm until Black Saturday. Easter Sunday we would go to mass. That was it. I had no idea what activities were done by the community. I thought all families were like us. (to be continued...)

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Reflection questions: Are my words nourishing? How can I be God's mouthpiece during Lent?

Am I physically hungry? Emotionally hungry? Spiritually hungry? In my search to fill up this hunger, am I going farther from or closer to God?

Lord, we surrender to your our physical, emotional and spiritual hungers to you. Fill our love tanks to overflowing so that we may be a channel of your nourishment for those who hunger for you.