Jesus in the Desert (Part 2)

“Then the devil took him to the holy city, and made him stand on the parapet of the temple, and said to him, “If you are the Son of God, throw yourself down. For it is written:

'He will command his angels concerning you' and 'with their hands they will support you, lest you dash your foot against a stone.'”

Jesus answered him, “Again it is written, 'You shall not put the Lord, your God, to the test.'”

Matt 4: 5 – 7

As I grew up, so did my self-loathing. I felt dirty, unworthy of love, and ashamed. I was not receiving communion. We went to the occasional mass... Christmas, New Year, Easter, mandatory religious activities at school. I went to confession only during school retreats and recollections.

During summer vacations, our mother would usually enroll us in a workshop.

The summer before I entered college, it was the Silva Mind Control seminar. It taught positive thinking. It seemed to fill my need for words of affirmation because we were supposed to say them to ourselves, i.e., “Every day, in every way, I am getting better, better and better.” If a negative thought entered your mind, you would just say “Cancel, cancel,” like a magic eraser.

We were taught to visualize the results we wanted to get. For example, if I wanted a high score in algebra, I would relax, count from 10 to 1, then imagine myself getting my examination paper with the score that I wanted.

We practiced visualizing a person in our mind to sense which part of their body hurt to send healing energy.

We practiced “mind reading” (i.e., the instructor would hold a mental picture of something in her mind, while we would try to draw/describe what we saw. I remember seeing a small circle within a big circle; it turned out she was imagining a car and I saw the wheels). We had spoon bending, heating one hand, cooling the other.

During the seminar, we constructed a mental laboratory where we could go to solve problems. We visualized guides, one male and one female, to consult in our mental laboratory.

This was also the time I was interested in auras, crystals, the third eye...

So you see, from the desert, I had wandered into a garden with good fruit to nourish the heart and mind.

 But let's take a deeper look. Does this remind you of something?

“But the serpent said to the woman: 'You certainly will not die! 

 No, God knows well that the moment you eat of it, your eyes will be opened...

 

and you will be like gods... 

who know what is good and what is bad.”

                                                                                            Gen 3: 4 – 5 

Ever wonder if those techniques really work, where is the power coming from???

Our Father

who art in heaven

holy be your name

your kingdom come

your will be done...  

Underneath the beautiful veneer of positive thinking and self-empowerment, there was a striving to be like God apart from God. Jesus, the Son of God, did not care to prove his power and his identity by throwing himself down from the temple parapet, but I, one of God's mere creatures, was trying desperately for power apart from my maker. This was my formal introduction into the New Age movement.

I wonder where I would be today if I had pursued that path... but God did not abandon me but instead led me ever so patiently (and leads me until today) onto the right path.

I was now a freshman in college. My parents found a dorm run by nuns for me to stay in. It was beside a parish whose patron saint was St. Therese of the Child Jesus. And I found myself drawn by the music of the choir. So despite my lack of musical talent, I auditioned. They did not reject anyone so I was in. By the grace of God and patient teachers, I eventually learned to sing.

But the most significant change was in the spiritual arena. The choir was not a glee club where people honed musical talent. It was a religious organization and we had activities related to formation. We had a “spiritual hour” after the Wednesday mass where we sang. And we had a Life in the Spirit Seminar or an LSS. This for me was a crucial turning point. I encountered God in a personal way. He was suddenly real. And he was not at all who I thought he was. During the baptism of the holy Spirit, I encountered him as a gentle embrace. I felt loved. It was a shock to the system. I heard about his love before but this was the first time I knew it was real.

So began my personal relationship with God.

We were given a Basic Bible Seminar. I got my first Bible with a nihil obstat and imprimatur. Before that, what I had was a King James Bible without the deuterocanonicals. I did not understand that there was such a thing as a Protestant canon and a Catholic canon. I thought all bibles were the same.

We also underwent a healing of memories. With the help of our adviser, I was able to forgive people who hurt me.

However, it was not an instant transformation. Yes, I stopped saying bad words with impunity. Where before I used to say curse words at every given moment, now I realized it was this tongue I used to worship God so the habit was broken. I no longer verbally insulted those I considered friends. The despair and self-loathing that used to weigh so heavily in my heart had eased.

But I still engaged in the visualization exercises taught by the Silva Mind Control. In fact, I combined them with adoration of the Blessed Sacrament. I did not realize that the battle for my soul was still going on. I thought God had won even though I was still not a regular Sunday mass goer, and did not receive communion except for the short time after confession when I was “sin-free”. I looked at my fellow choir members and wondered how they managed to receive communion regularly while I struggled with sin. (To be continued)

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Reflection questions:

What motivates me in seeking to be like God? Do I want to love like him? Or to be powerful like him?

Am I seeking instant transformation? Do I get frustrated and impatient with the habitual imperfections and weaknesses of my character?

Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am a sinner.

I receive your mercy with abject innocence. You are my redeemer. My sins might be terrible, but your mercy is infinitely bigger. Forgive me for my offenses... I choose to forgive those who have hurt me. I also forgive myself. Please take my mistakes and make the most good out of it as only you can.